I am struggling with this recently.
I have a girlfriend who is in crisis. We have been friends for more than 1/2 my life.
10+ years ago she got married and moved away.
We still remained close with scattered visits which included her husband.
Over the years, her hubby & I got close. Not that kind of close, get your mind out of the gutter. We became true friends, in fact he is like the older brother I never had. We discuss/debate all kinds of topics. He has opened my eyes to a whole new way of thinking. Challenged me when I started to get complacent. Supported me when I was struggling.
Over the past few years, I noticed that I actually became closer to him than to her. I would call or skype her and she & I would speak for a few minutes then she would run and get her hubby to come and talk to me. He & I would gab for hours about nothing and everything.
I thought it was strange that when we were all together she would stop talking the minute he started. And he is a talker. So she rarely spoke.
I should have seen this as a sign of troubles but she always seemed to be a submissive wife so I let it go. I have not bought into the biblical definition of a wife and since I am not heavily rooted in church nor am not married I figured if that works for them then who am I to say anything.
They were trying for a long time to produce an heir. Their only successful attempt to get pregnant resulted in a miscarriage. It was a hard and trying experience. I figured that their faith would carry them through. She had some issues that required surgery to ensure the next pregnancy would be carried to term. This they paid for out-of-pocket, depleting all resources.
After the surgery, whatever rough times they were having grew. She shut down. He started talking to anyone who would listen, including members of her family and myself. Now he didn’t go into great detail about their problems with me as he had already gotten into trouble with her about talking to others about their issues.
She has since returned back to my neck of the woods. I learned through him that when they last came for a visit she found me cold and distant. I don’t recall being this way. But that is irrelevant. All that matters is her perception. I find it heart-breaking that she never mentioned it at all to me. But took heed to his warning and vowed to be on my best behaviour.
Since she’s been back, I have seen her once. She started to give me snippets of how their marriage really was. It was not a pretty picture. She brought up instances where he did not treat her kindly. I was hurt and angry on her behalf. I wanted to give him my $8 worth but left it alone.
The following day she called me at work to let me know that the story was not finished. There was still more that she wanted to tell me. And I being the dedicated employee I am I said go on. At this point she told me about a young man that she had become close to and strayed with. And that her husband just found out about it the night before.
I don’t know if she told me because she really wanted to tell me or fear that he would tell me first. I don’t think the messenger would have mattered in this case.
I AM STUNNED.
To make matters worst the young man involved is one of the students at their boarding school who
lives lived with them. Before you get your panties in a knot, he is an adult … a young adult … but still legal.
I AM HORRIFIED AND SADDENED.
I can’t imagine what went so very wrong between these two that it would come to this. She has admitted culpability and regret. Her husband has cut off all communication with her and has told her that it is over.
Now that you are all caught up, here is my dilemma.
He is also my friend. I am extremely distraught to learn of these events. I can’t imagine what it must be like for him right now. I want to contact him to see if he is okay and listen if he needs to talk. I can do this without betraying any thing she has told me. But it feels awkward.
Am I suppose to choose sides? Not talk to him since she was my friend first? Ask her for permission?