Random thoughts of an upbeat mind

Loyalty

I am struggling with this recently.

I have a girlfriend who is in crisis.  We have been friends for more than 1/2 my life.

10+ years ago she got married and moved away.

We still remained close with scattered visits which included her husband.

Over the years, her hubby & I got close.  Not that kind of close, get your mind out of the gutter.  We became true friends, in fact he is like the older brother I never had.  We discuss/debate all kinds of topics.  He has opened my eyes to a whole new way of thinking.  Challenged me when I started to get complacent.  Supported me when I was struggling.

Over the past few years, I noticed that I actually became closer to him than to her.  I would call or skype her and she & I would speak for a few minutes then she would run and get her hubby to come and talk to me.  He & I would gab for hours about nothing and everything.

I thought it was strange that when we were all together she would stop talking the minute he started.  And he is a talker.  So she rarely spoke.

I should have seen this as a sign of troubles but she always seemed to be a submissive wife so I let it go.  I have not bought into the biblical definition of a wife and since I am not heavily rooted in church nor am not married I figured if that works for them then who am I to say anything.

They were trying for a long time to produce an heir.  Their only successful attempt to get pregnant resulted in a miscarriage.  It was a hard and trying experience.  I figured that their faith would carry them through.  She had some issues that required surgery to ensure the next pregnancy would be carried to term.  This they paid for out-of-pocket, depleting all resources.

After the surgery, whatever rough times they were having grew.  She shut down.  He started talking to anyone who would listen, including members of her family and myself.  Now he didn’t go into great detail about their problems with me as he had already gotten into trouble with her about talking to others about their issues.

She has since returned back to my neck of the woods.  I learned through him that when they last came for a visit she found me cold and distant.  I don’t recall being this way.  But that is irrelevant.  All that matters is her perception.  I find it heart-breaking that she never mentioned it at all to me.  But took heed to his warning and vowed to be on my best behaviour.

Since she’s been back, I have seen her once.  She started to give me snippets of how their marriage really was.  It was not a pretty picture.  She brought up instances where he did not treat her kindly.  I was hurt and angry on her behalf.  I wanted to give him my $8 worth but left it alone.

The following day she called me at work to let me know that the story was not finished.   There was still more that she wanted to tell me.  And I being the dedicated employee I am I said go on.  At this point she told me about a young man that she had become close to and strayed with.  And that her husband just found out about it the night before.

I don’t know if she told me because she really wanted to tell me or fear that he would tell me first.  I don’t think the messenger would have mattered in this case.

I AM STUNNED.

To make matters worst the young man involved is one of the students at their boarding school who lives lived with them.  Before you get your panties in a knot, he is an adult … a young adult … but still legal.

I AM HORRIFIED AND SADDENED.

I can’t imagine what went so very wrong between these two that it would come to this.  She has admitted culpability and regret.  Her husband has cut off all communication with her and has told her that it is over.

Now that you are all caught up, here is my dilemma.

He is also my friend.  I am extremely distraught to learn of these events.  I can’t imagine what it must be like for him right now.  I want to contact him to see if he is okay and listen if he needs to talk.  I can do this without betraying any thing she has told me. But it feels awkward.

Am I suppose to choose sides?  Not talk to him since she was my friend first?  Ask her for permission?

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Comments on: "Loyalty" (6)

  1. Eek… No good can come from this. Personally, I think you should stay out of it. If he needs/wants to talk to you, let him contact you. I hope I’m not overstepping here, but if my husband were talking for hours & hours to another woman, I would definitely wonder what was wrong in our relationship… there is nothing wrong with a man & woman being friends, but I think if he’s speaking to another woman for hours, there’s something “off” to begin with.

    Good luck with your decision. 🙂

    • I will take your advice. Thank you for your candor. And you are not overstepping. I struggled with whether to get involved with either side. I know he will not tell me until he knows I have heard it from her first. Should either party approach me to talk I will listen. I have no advice to give. 😉

  2. This is a tough decision. And I agree with Carla, something seems kind of off with him also but I do believe that men and women can be friends.

  3. Like the above commenters, I would stay out of it. Since you only know snippets of their situation, I don’t think it would be fair to take anyone’s side. This is a sticky situation indeed, but your role is to be a friend, and be as supportive as you can – without placing blame or judgement.

    Good luck and I hope your friend can sort things out with her husband.

  4. I think any advice I could offer has already been given so I do hope they can work it out.

    The part about her finding you cold and distant may have just been the wrong words used to describe the situation, she just may have felt you became closer to him than her.

    Seems I do have a bit of advice.

    My advice is to listen to any of them if they need an ear and encourage them to talk to each other and work it out, whatever they say to you they should be able to say to each other. Whatever happens don’t make one of them seem more important than the other and don’t make it seem like one is wrong and the other right or one is more wrong than the other. They both have to carry equal blame for everything from my understanding.

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