Random thoughts of an upbeat mind

Posts tagged ‘sad’

Heartbroken & Feeling Powerless

I was on track last week working out and walking until Thursday when I got a call from a friend who lives in the States asking me to pray for her son who was involved in a hit and run accident. I heard ICU and brain bleed but held out hope. What shook me what just how small and broken my friend sounded. This lady who just last month buried her husband of 36 years after a short and swift battle with leukemia. During her husband’s treatment and even after his death she still sounded like herself if that makes any sense.

Thursday night I prayed and wept for my friend. I even reached out to one of my pray warrior friends. Figured more people praying couldn’t hurt. Thursday night’s sleep was restless. I got up Friday and sent a quick text asking if there were any updates. She called me as I was on my way to work to tell me he passed away. I don’t know anything other than that. And if it wasn’t for this stupid pandemic I would be on a plane or driving to be by her side.

I have not felt like myself since. The pain I imagine she is in is unbearable to me. I don’t know if it is magnified because I am a parent or because this just goes against the natural order of things but I can’t think of anything worse than burying your child.

Logically I know there are people who have experienced these types of events and much more and survived, even came back stronger … I am not yet sure about my friend. Just last week we were talking about how much she has been through in the past 6 months without any real time off. Between both of her parents declining health, helping her sister who is their full time caregiver, starting a new job and having her hubby pass away it is a lot to deal with. We were discussing her figuring out how to take some time off or possibly changing jobs as she is not enjoying this new one and then one more trauma gets added to the pile.

This one cuts deep and I have no idea how to be useful from so far away. So for now I pray and hope that when I next speak to her I will have words of comfort and value.

Hope all is well in your world.

We are not immune

Today we in Toronto joined a club, I did not ever want to be a part of. I know it is still fresh and the investigation is just getting started but the cynic in me thinks this was a deliberate act.

This afternoon a van plowed into multiple pedestrians on the sidewalk. At last count, 10 people are dead and 15 are injured.

My Aunt initially brought it to my attention via our family group chat by telling us her youngest daughter was not involved but had been in the area just before it happened.

Its a scary thought how much life can change in an instance. This is absolutely heart breaking.

My thoughts and prayers are with all affected.


I wasn’t going to say anything

Until I saw this.


Get it together America. This ish is getting old.

I want to rant I really do but all I keep thinking is since the murders of 6 & 7 year olds at Sandyhook did not inspire change there’s not much hope that the gays will make a difference.

It saddens me deeply.

We can argue mental health and lack of funding; radicalized religious zealots; blah, blah, blah. What it all boils down to is gun control.

When I think back to December 2012 and my heart bleeds for those poor children at Sandyhook, I recall another story that happened the same day in China. Very similar in details, a deranged man attacks small kids at school. That story has a “happier” ending as the weapon of choice was a knife and even though he managed to 23 kids and 1 elderly woman NO ONE DIED.

This madness needs to end.

More bad news

The bad news just keeps on coming.

Last night, one of my cousins on my Dad’s side sent out a text message to our family group chat requesting our email addresses as she had “important” family business to tell.

I sent her a text to see what was up as I had a feeling. A bad feeling.

It was confirmed that her wife lost their baby that was due mid-September. He had died in utero Thursday evening and was delivered early Saturday morning. ūüė≠

She also sent me a couple of pictures of him and his teeny tiny foot.

Broke my heart … again.

Unfortunately this cousin lives on the other side of the country so it’s not as easy to help out.

She sent her mass email this evening and as of 10 pm no one had responded, so I hit reply all and expressed all the sentiments I had sent her last night in our texting session. This prompted my Dad to reply.

I hope she gets the support she needs from my very unemotional family who all live on the East coast.

I know I’ve said it at least once already but I am so over death.

It can stop now

Okay 2016 you can stop taking my loved ones. I am going to count Prince in the mix even though we never crossed paths. He was on my bucket list to see perform and I’m a little peeved that it will not come to fruition.

On a more personal note, my Grandmother passed away on Saturday and while we were not particularly close I still feel incredibly sad. She lives in the Caribbean¬†and I am grateful that 3 of her 6 children & my Grandfather were by her side so she didn’t die alone. She was 87 and was admitted into hospital on Thursday, slipped into a coma on Saturday and passed away an hour later. I hope she didn’t suffer.

My Dad arrived today and I am waiting to hear funeral details. Depending on when the funeral is will dictate if I go. Right now I don’t feel a pull to go like I did with my cousin and her aunt.

My Aunts and Uncles “seem” okay but time will tell. Most of my cousins are also “okay”. Like all things this too shall pass.

They are gone

I woke up yesterday¬†morning to the phone ringing. It was my kids’ father looking to see if we had left for the States. It seems that neither one of my girls updated him. ūüė¶ It is a blessing and a curse that Diva works for his friend. She gets a lot of hours but when her boss needs her, some times she calls her father and he calls us. O_o

When she was told they were keeping her on, it was said that she would get 2 or 3 shifts a week. On Monday she was not on the schedule. She did a little dance at the thought of having the week off. But it was short lived as half an hour later, she was called in to work.

Mid-day on Tuesday her boss called me to see if she could work that afternoon. o_O She was also asked to work on Friday. On Friday she checked the schedule and saw that she wasn’t on it so she thought she had the day off. Not so, her boss called half an hour after her supposed start time looking for her.

That makes 4 shifts last¬†week and she’s working again today.

Anyhoo back to my original thought process.

I dropped Diva off at 10 am and was giving a friend a ride to work when one of my cousins sent me a text asking that I give her a call. Since my plan was to go to¬†my mother’s, I just went there to make the call.

She basically wanted to let me know that my sick cousin’s Aunt, the one also in hospice had passed.¬†While it was not unexpected, it is still very sad.

11 hours later she sent me another text to let me know that my cousin had also passed away. I couldn’t even get the words out to tell my kids. ūüė•

I was supposed to go out tonight, but after this news it just didn’t seem like a good idea. My girls took it hard but seem to be dealing with it okay.

Another cousin was texting¬†me why I didn’t go out and I realized she hadn’t heard the news. So I called her. I left her in shock as she was also not aware that our cousin had relapsed. Considering she was the one who had a lot of information after the initial diagnosis, I was surprised.

Anyhoo, if the funeral is on the weekend she will come with me.

I really wish I was in MD with my family right now.


I am not going to MD tomorrow.

My cousin has strict instructions to not have anyone around other than her care team. Which probably for the best since according to another cousin she’s not really “here”. She still has moments of clarity from time to time but she spends the majority of the day with her eyes closed.

2 days ago she told her hospice nurse that she only has 4 days left. I think she could be on the money. On Sunday it will be exactly 2 months before her 50th birthday.

I was told that it is believed she was waiting for our cousin, who is like a little sister to her, to return from vacation. She came back on Wednesday and went to visit yesterday.

I really wanted to say good-bye, but it’s not all about me. Better I have memories of her in better health than laying in bed semi-unconscious.

I hate this waiting. It feels horrible to be waiting for her to pass.

Sometimes I hate when I’m right

Some days I’m so glad I blog. It allows to me to keep proper time lines. Not that I want to look back at this particular news, but I’m writing it here so it can be documented.

So remember my cousin who was diagnosed with aggressive breast cancer back in 2011, she fought and beat it and then it came back¬†last year …

Well we would communicate via text at least every week. That is until just before Christmas. She told me she wasn’t doing so well and I told her it sounds like I should visit. She agreed and told me she would let me know.

Since then I have not heard from her and feared the worst. I was telling my BFF on Monday that something is just not right.

Yesterday afternoon her husband sent out a text saying that her health has deteriorated rapidly and she is in hospice at home, comfortable but very weak and tired.

I still had hope that we could do a quick drive by (8+ hours away) on Saturday just to see her and say goodbye. I even contacted my Aunt who lives nearby to see if we could stay there.

Then last night a different Aunt called to see if I had heard the news. According to my Uncle who is closer to the situation, it is more of an any day now and Saturday might be too far away.

I am trying to keep my wits about me but it’s hard. I broke some of the news to my girls and there were tears all around.

I am praying for my cousin and her family. I can’t even imagine how they are feeling.

Also in hospice is my cousin’s Aunt who has some very rare disease and has been fighting it for the past 6+ years, possibly longer. So my cousin’s Mom has a daughter and a sister to worry about. I can’t even begin to think about how very hard this must be for her.

All I can do now is pray.


And the bad news keeps coming

Just when I was coming to terms with the loss of my cousin’s son and feeling pretty good about life, the cousin I visit yearly in MD called me to tell me that her cancer is back. ¬†She was diagnosed with breast cancer back in June/July 2011. ¬†It is now in her spine and pelvis. ¬†Her doctor gave her 6 months to 2 years to live.

I can’t even process rational thoughts anymore. ¬†My heart hurts. ¬†I think I’ve cried more tears in the past few weeks¬†that in the entire few years. ūüė¶

We are going to visit next month for her daughter’s high school graduation party. ¬†I’m hoping I can keep it together.

I’m waiting for my cousin to tell her children before I tell mine. ¬†This is going to break their hearts.

I need some good news, anyone have anything good going on?

Heart broken

My apologies for the radio/blog silence.

Last weekend my cousin and his wife lost their baby and it has just been awful.

She was due in June.

I can’t even imagine the pain they are going through.

My heart bleeds for them.